As I'm writing this, there's rain pounding on the skylight, matching my mood. Here's our sad-ending to Baby Sink.
Daniel & I met at the doctor's for our 12 week appointment. 12 weeks - yay! Finally in the second trimester. At our first appointment, we talked to the doctor and opted for the NT scan which happens at 12 weeks. This scan is an ultrasound & bloodwork to provide additional information on any dificiencies the baby may have. This scan is often called the "down syndrome test". We were both so excited to have another ultrasound, and finally hear the heartbeat. At our first ultrasound, we were only able to see the heartbeat. The ultrasound (seemingly) went great. We were able to hear the heartbeat and see our little nugget moving around. It was so cool to see that. When we met with our doctor, she told us that something seemed off on the ultrasound - where babies normally have a rounded forehead, ours appeared to have a flat one. She explained it could be anything from a shadow on the ultrasound to the skull hasn't formed - and everything in between. She was sending us to a high-risk specialist, and that appointment would be within a few days. We were in shock, confused, & cautiously devastated all at the same time. How could that be? Our baby could be perfectly fine, or not at all. We left the appointment in tears and with a million questions. We called our parents, who were waiting to hear good news about our appointment. It was so hard to tell everyone that there "may" be a problem, and we would have to wait and see. Daniel & I spent the rest of the evening crying, over-analyzing the whole appointment, and not sleeping.
We waited for the phone call the next morning with our appointment time. Friday at 1pm. Friday!? We just spent the past 15 hours in complete agony, and you're telling me I have to wait another 2 days to find out if this is nothing, something horrible, or somewhere in between? I knew I was going to be admitted into a mental institution in those 2 days. I called the Perinatal Center, and asked them very nicely to please let us know if they had a cancellation. Two minutes later, the sweet lady I spoke with on the phone called back and said they were fitting us in - they just had to since I sounded so sweet & distraught. Could we come in that day at 2pm. Yep, of course we'll drop everything and come in today. Oh, we're seeing Dr. Christmas? Here's to hoping he will deliver a Christmas miracle.
We arrived at the doctor's office, filled out lots of detailed paperwork about our pregnancy and family history. The sweet lady I talked to on the phone brought me tissues & a hug. The ultrasound tech showed us Baby Sink... swimming around just fine. Same heartbeat as the day before - 165. Daniel said "at least he/she is consistent". Ha. We asked if she could see what the ultrasound tech from the day before saw - "I see what she saw, and have the same concerns". My heart sank. It wasn't a shadow. Cue tears. Dr. Christmas comes into the room, introduces himself, and immediately says "I have bad news". Cue more tears.
He went on to explain our precious baby has Anencephaly. Anencephaly is a neural tube defect in which our baby's neural tube didn't form - meaning the skull & parts of the brain didn't form. Anencephaly is fatal. Baby Sink wouldn't live outside my womb. We didn't do anything wrong. Again, we didn't do anything wrong. Where do we go from here? Well, the best option (and quite frankly, the only option) for us was to terminate the pregnancy. Cue utter devestation. A D&C was scheduled for Friday.
We called all of the people we love most, and as our hearts broke, theirs broke right with us. We had to deliver the terrible news about this baby that everyone loved so very much, and we've only known about for such a short time. After lots and lots and lots of tears, we picked ourselves up, and ate at Don Jose (naturally, what else do you do?? :). We spent Thursday running errands, grocery shopped, and cleaned the house. Oh, and cried all day long (at least, that's what it felt like).
We had to be at the hosptial at 5:30am on Friday the 13th. Wow, that's early, right? Well, doesn't seem so bad when you can't really sleep. On the way to the hospital, Daniel & I were chatting when we saw the most beautiful & brightest shooting star stream across the sky. It was incredible. And I can promise you, it wasn't a coincidence. That image is seared into my mind.
My surgery went.... well? I mean, I came out of it fine. But, that's not the type of surgery I ever want to have again. Ever. I received lots of pain meds, nausea meds, and I'm confident they slipped in lots of happy meds. The doctor told Daniel "well, she went into surgery crying, and woke up crying". Do you see a recurring theme? Lots and lots of crying.
Since the D&C, we've been surrounded by love, support, and happy thoughts. We've received meals, flowers, chocolate covered fruit, and cards. We've had visitors that bring McDonald's cokes and make us laugh. Robin bravely packed up maternity clothes, ultrasound pictures, and other important items that represent Baby Sink. We are forever grateful for the warm arms that are always wrapped around us.
You always hear that you shouldn't tell everyone that you're pregnant until you're 12 weeks and it's "safe". I don't believe that. If we would have waited until our lives were ripped apart, we wouldn't have the support that we've so desperately needed. This baby would only have had love from the two of us. We would be walking on this bumpy road alone. You would have found me in a mental institution by now. The decision to tell others after our first appointment was the right one for us, and we would do it all over again.
And a note about my truly amazing and simply incredible husband. I cannot say anything negative about him. I will sing his praises. He has been an absolute saint throughout this whole process. From the moment we found out we were pregnant - he was over the moon. He treated me like a princess. And now, to the moment we found out our baby wasn't going to live. We've cried together. He holds me as I sob and sob. He so badly wishes that we could switch places and he could soak up all of the physical pain a D&C carries with it. He rubs my back, makes sure I eat, and makes me laugh. We had a dance party the afternoon of my surgery, because that's how we roll. We've been binge-watching House of Cards. At night before we go to bed, I cry, and he falls asleep holding my hand. We're a team. We're in this together. He has supported me, comforted me, and has been my rock. You want to know the best part? We are going to have lots of babies. He is going to be an amazing dad one day, just as he is an amazing husband right now. We will get through this - stronger than ever before. As crappy as this situation is, it will make our marriage better, and we will never, ever take for granted the precious life we created, and the ones we will in the future.
So where do we go from here? In the near future, when we're ready, we are going to make another baby. Anencephaly has a low risk of recurrence. We have a 5-10% chance of having another baby with anencephaly. Tonight I will start on high doses of folic acid in combination with my prenatals, and that will lower that statistic another 70-80%. Daniel's mom had a baby with anencephaly, and the doctors believe it is a complete coincidence, but we are having genetic testing done anyways. Along with this genetic testing, they will discover the gender of Baby Sink. Maybe one day down the road, we will find out if I was growing a little girl or boy, but for right now we are content not knowing.
We have a long road of recovery ahead of us. This has been the most painful thing I've ever been through in my life. We have a lot of healing to do. But you want to know the good news? We are going to make it. We will make babies, and have an amazing family. I can't wait, but for now, we do our best to get through each day and honor the precious baby we lost. Christmas is in one week, and though we'll be sad, it's the happiest time of year.
So to Baby Sink - please know how much we love you. You have filled our hearts with happiness. You have so many family & friends who love you, too. It was the happiest day when we found out about you on October 14th. We squealed and laughed and cried. It was the most devestating day when we lost you on December 13th. But, you're forever in our hearts, and we can't wait to meet you one day.
"We asked God for a baby and he blessed us with an angel instead. And though we will never be able to hold you in our arms, we will forever hold you in our hearts. We love you little angel and we will see you when our journey ends."
A baby changes everything. Merry Christmas
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Baby Sink - happy beginning
I've had a "working blog post" in my Outlook drafts since the middle of October. Though, we haven't gotten the outcome we've been so excited about, these are all of the happy thoughts & experiences we've had for the past two months.
We were actually on a tight schedule that afternoon since we
were taking the 4Runner to CarMax to get appraised (and sold!), and we had
Matthew’s birthday dinner. Yep, we had
to spend the evening with his family – keeping an incredible secret! So after we hugged, laughed, kissed, and
laughed, and cried, we hopped in the car and couldn’t stop talking and
smiling! I figured out my due date (June
17th according to several sources… and that’s my mom’s birthday!). We talked about how long we are going to wait
to tell our families (after the first appointment), how we are going to tell
our families, etc. etc. It was so hard
during dinner to not say a word, or even look like something was up. We didn’t look at each other or talk during
the whole dinner. Soooo hard!
We went to bed when we got home, and I started tossing and
turning around 4am. Daniel was too, and
I finally said “I can’t sleep” and he replied, “I can’t either”. We were both so excited, we started chatting,
I took a third pregnancy test (positive!), and we watched Parenthood (how
ironic :).
One of the worst parts of this mess: we have to keep this a
secret! We broke down and told our
awesome neighbors, and I absolutely couldn’t wait until I saw Robin in person
and told her via FaceTime. Whew, that’s
a sigh of relief. It’s nice to text
someone other than Daniel, and to have others who are so incredibly happy for you. That’s been the most fun so far.
One reason why we are in such shock that I’m pregnant is
because we really haven’t been “trying”.
I mean, I know how babies are made, and we hadn’t been preventing it,
but you know. Life has been pretty busy,
and we hadn’t focused much on getting pregnant, just going with the flow. Well, apparently I’m fertile and Daniel has
good swimmers. Who knew! We are definitely thankful – this could have
been a long & challenging road, and we aren’t taking that for granted.
My symptoms:
The plan to tell THE WHOLE WORLD:
Daniel is amazing.
Really, he’s incredible. I knew
that when I started dating him when I was 17, I knew that when I said “Yes!”
and “I Do!”, and even more so now. He
won’t let me lift a finger (it’s actually kind of dramatic), he cooks and cleans
and is looking out for me. He talks to
the baby, and is doing whatever he can to make me feel better. I’m thrilled to be sharing this experience
with my best friend, and to be raising this little pumpkin alongside someone
who will be the best dad in the world.
We had our first doctor's appointment on November 6th. We were given a "real" due date based on how Baby Sink was measuring in the ultrasound, and June 24th is the magical day. Our appointment went amazing - we were able to see that little blob on the ultrasound, and the doctor answered all of our questions. We are both so very excited. June can't come soon enough!
….extreme exhaustion, nausea, and down-right feeling bad
prevented me from finding any motivation to update you guys… but it was pretty
uneventful. I felt crappy, I still
worked out, and I eat all day long.
That’s about it.
11/26 – 10 weeks
August – the Thursday of Robin’s bachelorette party – last
birth control pill consumed! Our plan is
for my body to get used to being off birth control for a few months before we
actually start “trying” (ie tracking temperature and all that jazz). We just want to have fun for a while ;)
October – Columbus Day Weekend. Daniel & I both have a long weekend off
from work. We decided to celebrate
Columbus in our nation’s capital visiting our lovely friends. We spent Friday evening with Robin and headed
to Susan’s on Saturday for Hokie football.
We did lots of lazying around – watching TV and eating lots of food
that’s bad for you. In the meantime –
Flo hasn’t visited. I had cramps all
weekend, but she never came! As soon as
we got home, Daniel had to go pick up the 4Runner (such a saga!), so I quickly
ran up to the Dollar Tree and bought three tests. I came home, took the first test. Set the timer on the stove for 2 minutes… the
whole time freaking out/shaking. After a
minute and a half, I couldn’t take it and peeked – one solid line, and a faint
second line (two lines means positive!).
I quickly took the second one just to be sure, and clear as day – two
lines. My first thoughts “oh shit, this
is it”. My second thought “Daniel will
be home soon – need to go grab food STAT!”.
You see, I’ve always told him that I would feed him baby back ribs, baby
corn, and baby shrimp to tell him I was pregnant. (I know you’ve all seen the Full House
episode, right? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6lChkMu2V8 Classic).
I ran up to the Hibachi buffet near our house, and I knew they had baby
shrimp and baby corn. Unfortunately,
they didn’t have the ribs, so I sprinted over to Martin’s, found some ribs, and
made it home – all the while internally freaking out that I was pregnant. I was growing a baby inside of me. Whoa. I thought Daniel would have beat me home, but
he was actually taking his sweet time. I
set the food up on the table and paced, and waited, and changed clothes three
times, and waited some more. Finally
(after a phone call), he arrived home. I
was sitting at the kitchen table and when he walked in I said “want a
snack??” He looked at the food and said
“NO WAY!” I said “Yes way!” he said
“this is real???”. I started crying and
we hugged, and laughed, and kissed and laughed/cried some more. We were estatic.
Turns out, the cramps I had all weekend are completely
normal, and are as a result of my uterus growing/stretching (yuck, sorry). Oh, and they haven’t really gone away. I’ve had lots of cramping and a terrible
back-ache ever since we found out. I’ve
also had a terrible time sleeping. I
wake up and toss and turn, I have cramping, stress over raising a kid, etc. and
it’s pretty miserable. I’m exhausted
during the day, and have taken two naps in my car at lunchtime. But, I’m thankful to have symptoms, which (to
me) is a good sign. So far, I’ve only
been a little-itty-bitty bit nauseous, but nothing a ginger ale hasn’t helped.
So we basically want to get on the highest mountaintop and
shout that we are having a baby!!
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, so we have to come up with a
creative & clever plan. So far, we
know we would like to do something with a Baby Sink (get it? Baby Sink… yeah, we are clever). I mean really, not many people can
incorporate their name into a fun reveal.
So Robin sent us our very own baby sink! We haven’t figured out the logistics, but will
take some sort of picture holding the little thing. My first appointment is on November 7th,
and we plan to tell our families that next weekend, and our friends after
that. I will be almost 9 weeks at that point.
The picture:
Our fabulous neighbor, Kim, took these cute little photos showing off our new addition: a baby sink! (on Halloween) This picture is how we told both of our families, and they are all estatic! Telling people has been so much fun. Everyone is so excited for us, and we are so blessed to have such amazing family & friends, and knowing this baby is so very, very loved.
10/15 – 4 weeks
How far along: 4 weeks
Total weight gain: 0
Maternity clothes: nope
Sleep: not bad, yet. Well,
except for the night we found out we were having a baby, and we were up at 4am
talking and watching Parenthood!
Best moment of the week: finding out about Baby Sink! And, definitely the look on Daniel’s face
when I told him
Worst moment of the week: keeping it a secret!
Miss anything: not yet
Movement: nope
Food cravings: nothing
Symptoms: …..nothing….
Looking forward to: telling the whole world!
Baby’s size:
Weekly belly pic:
How far along: 10 weeks
Total weight gain: 1 pound
Maternity clothes: not yet
Best moment of the week: telling people! It’s so fun, when people are genuinely
excited for you
Worst moment of the week: feeling bad.. I had two rough days
in a row, but then things got better
Miss anything: waking up because I have to pee, and not
being able to go back to sleep
Movement: nope
Food cravings: not really… I just like to eat
Symptoms: feeling like death-warmed-over
Looking forward to: Thanksgiving
Baby’s size: kumquat
Weekly belly pic:
12/3 – 11 weeks
How far along: 11 weeks
Total weight gain: 3 pounds
Maternity clothes: need to bust out those things! Today, I successfully sat at my desk with my
pants unbuttoned (and pants that were a little loose pre-BS). I wore maternity leggings for Thanksgiving,
so naturally, I could eat more.
Best moment of the week: Thanksgiving! I love being around family, eating delicious
food, and making good memories. Oh, and
Abby says “Kim” almost every time on queue.
Makes my heart smile. Oh, and
running 2 miles on Thanksgiving. Two big
accomplishments – running two miles (never ran more than 1.75), and working out
on Thanksgiving!
Worst moment of the week: ummm, nothing.. I had a great week
Miss anything: it’s an interesting mental shift… to go from
working out/getting healthy and seeing the scales go down/your body shrink… to
working out/getting healthy and seeing the scales go up/your mid-section grow
Movement: nada
Food cravings: not really
Symptoms: just a growing belly! Thankfully, I’ve felt pretty good lately
Looking forward to: our appointment next week, and my
birthday!
Baby’s size: fig
Weekly belly pic:
12/10 – 12 weeks
How far along: 12 weeks
Total weight gain: haven’t even thought about stepping on
the scales J
Maternity clothes: yep, in them a lot of the time
Worst moment of the week: not feeling real well on
Thursday/Friday. The worst is waking up
in the middle of the night feeling like death.
Miss anything: I missed ordering a drink last night on my
birthday!
Movement: zilch
Food cravings: not really
Symptoms: occasionally feeling like death, but otherwise not
too much
Looking forward to: so much Christmas & fun happening –
lots of good food, family, and friends! Today we have our 12 week appointment
Baby’s size: lime
Weekly belly pic:
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